Friday, December 21, 2007

Criterion to fans: "PISS OFF, TWATS!"



Wanna know what grinds my gears? When a videogame series I like gets stomped into shit to serve economic interests. Here's the thing. Criterion probably has a new version of renderware. They want people to know about it so they can license it and make EA a shitload of cash. They create the abomination known as Burnout Paradise.

Things that are there just to show off:

-> Dumbed down crashes with cinematic cameras to show off new deformation engine. No more explosions for you, mister. Also, no more aftertouch or crashbreaker.

-> Free roaming. No more knowing where the hell you're going. No more knowing the tracks and their shortcuts. They don't even lock down the circuit on which you're supposed to race. (after you find a race, that is.) You just have to figure it out. On a giant free roaming city.

-> No loading screens. Should be read as a "HAHA every time you want to restart a race you have to drive all the way back to the start because we don't want an 8 second loading screen to spoil our perfect showcase of the new RENDERWARE."

-> "Showtime". Actually, this is so FUCKING RETARDED that I'm just going to link a video. click HERE. This means NO CRASH MODE. WARNING: Watching lowers IQ.

Obviously, the fans complained when they saw their favorite racing game being butchered like this. Feeling cornered, Criterion lashed out with THIS.

If you're a burnout fan and/or you're into arcade racing games, be sure to skip on this fucking trainwreck and get Ridge Racer 6/7, Flatout Ultimate Carnage, Motorstorm or Sega Rally Revo instead.

Monday, December 3, 2007

Possibly consensual animal sex



I really don't know what's most disturbing here.. The screaming, the fact that the kid does not try to push away the dog or the fact that whoever is filming seems to be enjoying the show. The combination of all these factors makes for something truly bizarre.

It gets people fired for sucking


Before I start getting hits expecting to see some fellatio pics, let me explain the title. CashWhore, hmm I mean Gamespot recently fired one of its editors for writing a fair review on a piece of shit game. Said game is called Kane and Lynch and it seems the arseholes at Eidos (the game's publishers) got so upset with the negative comments that they threatened to pull all the advertising from Gamespot unless the guy got fired. So he got fired. For an honest review...

While I don't necessarily agree with all his comments on the game, (as in I really like the way the characters' personal issues are fleshed out) nobody should be fired for being honest. This game does have a lot of issues that make it nigh unplayable at times. Gameplay is terrible, with crap controls and horrible glitches. It WAS a fair review. This situation is especially terrible when you stop to consider that most people count on sites like these and their supposedly unbiased reviewers to know how to spend their money.

Also, how the hell did this get to the point where game publishers control review scores of supposedly independent publications?? And what on Earth did Eidos have to gain from the guy being fired? Hurray for sandy vaginas and overreaction, heh! Congratulations Eidos. You guys got someone fired while gaining absolutely nothing in return. Well, nothing may be the wrong word here, since they did gain a lot of haters and probably lost a lot of sales.

I hope anyone who gets to read this message stops visiting Gamespot and seriously starts boycotting Eidos as of this moment. Such behavior must not be accepted by the gaming community in general. I will never buy anything with the name EIDOS on the box again and I'm counting on you to do the same. Together we can make this stupid game's unsold stock be buried in the desert somewhere and turn into a legend 20 years from now.

I feel sorry for Lara. Just when she was starting to get her shit together...

the review that got Jeff Gerstmann fired