Friday, December 21, 2007

Criterion to fans: "PISS OFF, TWATS!"



Wanna know what grinds my gears? When a videogame series I like gets stomped into shit to serve economic interests. Here's the thing. Criterion probably has a new version of renderware. They want people to know about it so they can license it and make EA a shitload of cash. They create the abomination known as Burnout Paradise.

Things that are there just to show off:

-> Dumbed down crashes with cinematic cameras to show off new deformation engine. No more explosions for you, mister. Also, no more aftertouch or crashbreaker.

-> Free roaming. No more knowing where the hell you're going. No more knowing the tracks and their shortcuts. They don't even lock down the circuit on which you're supposed to race. (after you find a race, that is.) You just have to figure it out. On a giant free roaming city.

-> No loading screens. Should be read as a "HAHA every time you want to restart a race you have to drive all the way back to the start because we don't want an 8 second loading screen to spoil our perfect showcase of the new RENDERWARE."

-> "Showtime". Actually, this is so FUCKING RETARDED that I'm just going to link a video. click HERE. This means NO CRASH MODE. WARNING: Watching lowers IQ.

Obviously, the fans complained when they saw their favorite racing game being butchered like this. Feeling cornered, Criterion lashed out with THIS.

If you're a burnout fan and/or you're into arcade racing games, be sure to skip on this fucking trainwreck and get Ridge Racer 6/7, Flatout Ultimate Carnage, Motorstorm or Sega Rally Revo instead.

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